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Thinking of you

I remember tucking you in that one last time, filling your feeding pump, giving you an injection of morphine, crushing a load of antibiotics for you. I laid down in bed with you and let your little brother kick you through my tummy while you slapped at him and weakly smiled. We took some pictures with you that night cause I knew somehow you weren’t going to be with us much longer.

I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep very well, I hadn’t in the previous months while we were in the hospital trying to find out what was wrong with you. I laid with you till I was uncomfortable, I got up checked on Xan and gave myself a little break and sat outside on the deck for a little while. I came back in the house and checked on you, your fever had come back again and you were moaning in your sleep. I gave you more motrin and called the doctor and asked about your pain medication. I made up a bed on the floor next to your bed and laid down with Xander curled up tight against my belly.

A few hours later I woke up reached up over your bed rail to grab your hand, you felt like you were on fire. I got your thermometer out, I don’t know why I did it, I knew it was useless. 110 degrees. You were brain dead in the short 3 hours that I slept on the floor just two feet away. I called family, and woke your daddy to tell them you wouldn’t be with us long. Around 7 am everyone started showing up to tell you good bye.

for the next 8 hours I kept changing your catherter, kept you feeding bag full, kept giving you your meds, brushed your hair, dressed you in your favorite pajamas, sat next to you waited and prayed.

Around 3 everyone left to have lunch and take a break. Xander was down for a nap, I crawled into bed with you and held you one more time, let your little brother kick at you one more time. I whispered in your ear all my wishes for you, told you I’d see you again some day. Let you know that it was ok to just let go, you took a long deep breath and slowly go.

I took some time with you afterwards, cleaned you up, tucked you back in, went to your daddy’s office and told him you were gone, and fell apart. Then I called everyone back to say a last goodbye before the coroner came to take you away.

We all managed to keep it together til they wheeled you out, just before they put you in the back of the van Xander waved goodbye to you and said, “I love you sister.”. I hope someday I can tell him more about you, you both were best friends once you got used to him being around.

I love you so much baby girl. I miss you everyday, you kept a piece of my heart with you when you left us. I know it will get easier, I pray it will get easier. I hope you’re being good up there mommy can’t wait to see you again.

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3 Responses to "Thinking of you"

  • I cried for you

    1 Kathryn E said this (April 20, 2011 at 10:16 pm) Reply

  • I cried for you too. Sometimes we are the strongest when we are the weakest.

    2 Jenelle Coca said this (April 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm) Reply

  • my heart breaks for your family that you had to let her go. molly was lucky to have you and you were all lucky to have the time you did with her. we’re keeping you all in our hearts.

    3 aja said this (April 21, 2011 at 9:24 am) Reply

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